mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
