I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
