I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
