I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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