We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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