Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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