Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just had sex on a roof
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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