she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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