6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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