I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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