ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
