sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
