she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
