When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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