I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
