a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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