Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
