This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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