It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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