The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
