My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
