There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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