I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
