Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
