Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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