He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my being single is dangerous.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The Olympian is in my bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
