My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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