You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
