I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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