we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
