I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
