Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The Olympian is in my bed
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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