I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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