I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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