and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
