You smell like stripper and shame
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
