considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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