If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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