It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
