on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
