every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
