There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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