I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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