i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
