ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
