the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize