do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
