new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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