You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Welp...herpes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
