my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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