No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
