You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
