I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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