I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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