i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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