awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
