Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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