1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
