They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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