Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I could fuck to npr.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
