He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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