True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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